Bonfire
by Jeaniexyz
Summary: Another fluffy one-shot. Emma and Hook gets married...sorta.


Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind reviews for my other stories. Just FYI I don't think I'll be updating Dance with the Devil anymore. What we got in episode 6 from the writers (and the actors) was just so perfect that I couldn't possibly top that.

However here's another one-shot for this couple. Enjoy!

* * *

She was going to kill Gold. No scratch that she was going to kill him…Hook. Wait, death was too good for the both of them. She would throw the pair in jail, the same tiny little cell where you couldn't even stretch out your arms without touching both walls. Ahh yes, that would be perfect for them. Hell she might even handcuff them together just for the fun of it. Then she would camp out there with a bucket of buttery popcorn and watch while they slowly tortured each other to death. Preferably a gruesome one. The more blood the better. And tears, gawd damn it there better be tears, and screams. With that image in mind the corners of her mouth finally turned upwards.

Hook spied her quirky little smile out of the corner of his eye. "Oh love, finally a smile for this glorious day, the happiest day of your life. The gift of your pearly whites have blessed us…"

And just like that Emma's amusement and daydream vanished. "Shut up Hook."

"My dear we seriously need to expand your vocabulary. Even for a lady pirate it is completely lacking. For the last 3 days all I've heard is Shut up Hook, I'm going to kill you Hook, You're going to die, Hook. One would think you didn't like me, love."

She growled at him with her fists clenched tightly to keep from going for his throat. Oh the smug bastard was enjoying this. And if they were anywhere but in this god forsaken place he would've now been sporting a black eye, or a broken nose, and some missing teeth. Or missing his "crown jewels."

Before she could reply with something more scathing and colorful, she heard tittering from the people behind them.

"Oh look aren't they adorable. They look like the doublemint twins."

Hook laughed at that while Emma's eyes bugged out while she started towards the obnoxious teenagers giggling at them. Hook seeing the look in her eyes snagged her back and whispered in her ears, "Emma, darling they're just kids and do we really need the Boston PD on our butts again? Adorable as yours is, my hands should be the only thing on it."

She drove her elbow hard into his stomach at that.

The teen girl, heedless of the dangerous glitter in Emma's eyes, skipped up to them. Yes skipped! What the bloody hell is wrong with her. This was the last place anyone should be skipping. If anyone had asked her, she would've told them she rather be dead.

"I just love your matching leather jackets and the whole outfit in general. You guys look so coupley! But umm is black really the appropriate color for the occasion?"

Hook puffed out his chest, "I look better in black. She finds me quite irresistible in this attire. As for my love here, well she claims black is more slimming on ladies."

Before Emma could drive her elbows backward again he caught ahold of it and pulled her forward. "Come along now darling, I believe it's our turn next."

The man at the desk peered down at them thoughtfully. After 20 plus years on the job, he would say he was pretty good at reading people and well, he was picking up some strange vibes from these two. The man just looked gleeful which in itself wasn't suspicious but the woman next to him was well let's just say if looks could kill, this guy would've been six feet under already. He cleared his throat.

"We gather here today to celebrate life's greatest commitment and joy between Peter Pan…"

At that the judge paused and whipped his head up from the documents he was reading off of.

Emma gave a snort of laughter for the first time in months it felt like. "Umm his parents had a strange sense of humor."

"Will you please excuse us for a second your honor?" Hook dragged Emma off to a corner. "Peter pan?" Is this your idea of a joke?" he sputtered softly so as to prevent their conversation from carrying.

"Yes. And there's not a damn thing you could do about it. That fake id cost me hundreds of dollars! Besides, like getting one for "Captain Hook" would sound any better?"

He glared at her for a second before pivoting on his heels to approach the judge's bench. "I apologize for that your honor. We are now ready to begin again." He had seen the books and the movie to know who that asinine boy was. As if a boy was any kind of rival for him? Leave it to the humans in this realm to make up something so silly. Yet Emma derived endless pleasure teasing him about it for some strange reason.

"We gather here today to celebrate life's greatest commitment and joy between Peter Pan and Emma Swan. On this day of your marriage, the blessed journey between two people who stand united as a symbol of love, honor and eternal harmony…..

"This cannot be happening" Emma repeated over and over in her head, even as she got paler by the second listening to the words. How had it come to this? Oh that's right, stupid Hook and his stupid games and his stupid penchant for gold. He had followed her out of Storybrooke on her mission when Gold called in his favor. Even after months in this world the idiot still didn't get that you just couldn't go around taking anything shiny as he fancied. It had started when she was trying to get away from his constant pestering by getting drunk at a bar. She had not noticed a man following her until the pervert had grabbed her ass. And before she could kick him in his groin in retaliation, Hook was there in a blink of an eye, knocking out the guy cold in one hit. As if that wasn't enough, he then decided he had to have the huge tacky gold chain the man was sporting around his fat neck. So here they were, getting married to avoid testifying in court.

"Peter, repeat after me, I Peter take thee Emma, as my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death do us part. "

"I Killian" he paused before addressing the judge, "I prefer my middle name your honor." Then he began anew. "I Killian take thee Princess Emma, as my wedded wife and lover, to have and to pleasure from this day forward, for better and only better for there will be no bad days for my wife, for richer and not poorer because that word does not exist in my vocabulary, in sickness as I've already proven and in health, to love and cherish till eternity for even in death we will not be parted."

As he repeated his amended vows, the judge's eyebrows snapped higher and higher. Before he could comment, Emma started repeating her vows.

"I Emma take thee Killian, grudgingly, as my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward because I have no other choice, for only worse because truly I have hit rock bottom, hopefully only in sickness, to hate and maim, till his death do we part."

Ok that was it. In his 20 years plus he had never heard or seen anything stranger than these two but he was not about to allow them to disrespect his court.

"Young man and young lady, I have no idea what brought you here today. Do you see this court and I as a joke? Do you see the institution of marriage as a joke? I will not allow this farce to go on any longer. Either you tell me what the hell is going on or the both of you will be thrown in jail for contempt!"

With that Emma gulped, "Oh shit."

"Emma love, see what you did, now you had better follow my lead or else" Hook mumbled under his breath. Pasting a wide grin on his face he twisted Emma around so that her back was plastered to his front and wrapped his arms around her.

"I have to apologize for my wife, err fiancé, your honor. She's a mite upset with me this morning when she discovered she could no longer fit in this splendid wedding gown I bought for her to wear on this very special and sacred occasion. You see she blames me for anticipating the wedding night early by about four months, if you get my drift your honor." He patted her stomach and gave the man a wink to emphasize exactly what he was implicating. "Women and their hormones."

Emma fumed inside at his little speech but kept a frozen smile on her face. Oh you're going to get it Hook. Once we're alone….

"Now darling why don't you apologize to the judge, so we can get properly hitched. Wouldn't want our little Killian and maybe little Emma to be illegitimate now would we?" He turned to the judge to address him again, "She's so temperamental and hormonal I'm inclined to believe we might be having twins your honor. And well I've never done anything by half measures" he smirked.

"That's it, you're dead man walking Hook! Pregnant? Baby? Hormones? You asshole! You're never going to procreate with anyone in this lifetime cause I'm going to cut off your balls and stuff them down your arrogant throat" she screamed at him in her head.

The judge gave them a good long glare before sighing, "Alright no more funny business between the two of you."

A little while later, "By the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you husband and wife. The best of good fortune to you both, cause lord knows if anyone one needs it, it'll be you two and the little bun in the oven there. You may now kiss the bride."

Emma started at the last statement. Oh bloody hell. How could she have forgotten that little "tradition." She started to pull away from him but he swooped down whispering "at last" against her mouth before capturing her lips.

Peering at the two, the judge started blushing and swiveled around in his chair quietly. It felt too intimate and passionate a moment for a third party to watch. And believe him, he had seen many times a kiss in his lifetime as justice of the peace. He did allow himself a little grin however, now it was perfectly clear to him why these two had decided to marry and even had a little baby along the way to show for it. But God help the world, the sparks flying between the two both in passion and conflict was enough to set the universe afire.

* * *

**Yes I know some of the legal stuff in here will be given the side eye. Like the spousal privilege stuff I believe only applies to incidences that occur during marriage and not before? Either way it was just a plot point to get Emma and Hook married, fake or not. Hope that doesn't bother anyone too much.**


End file.
